Fair warning, this post may be a bit lengthy. Bare with me people.
Let me just say, I vowed that I would never start a blog. Who wanted to read another blog about another day in the life of someone else? But I created this blog as more of a way for me to remember things, and to vent about the new happenings and transitions of becoming a mommy.
Let me start with the beginning. Finding out we were expecting! Jacob and I were just leaving my parents house, and on the way home I asked, "Let's go get a pregnancy test. Just to see!" I had no inclination of anything to come. I just felt like taking a pregnancy test. Call me weird, cause I know I am but I find taking pregnancy tests fun...anyway, Jacob kind of freaked out a little bit. But he stopped at the store anyway, and we went to our apartment. I took the test and when I looked there was only one line, as I had assumed it would. I wasn't pregnant. I walked out of the bathroom where Jacob was sitting on our bed reading and re-reading the instructions from the pregnancy test. "It takes 3 minutes" he told me. But I already knew there was only one line. I went to show it to him, and I saw it. A faint second line. Shock and happiness spread through me like wildfire! To keep it short, we both freaked out.
Nine very long months later, I was ready to have this baby out. I'm telling you, I don't know what it is about pregnant women and keeping secrets, but they don't tell you what it's really like. It's probably the least fun thing I've ever done. BUT it redeems itself with a cute little baby. So I guess that's cool! Anyway, the friday before Sade was born I started having contractions around the time Jacob got up for work. Which was about 6:30. He decided to stay home and we timed each contraction, they were coming about every 2-6 minutes apart, but they weren't very painful. So I took a hot shower thinking it would help. But they continued. So in a nutshell, we went to the hospital, they had me walk around for an hour, the contractions got more painful, but I hadn't dilated past a 2. So they sent us home. You should have seen the look of disappointment on Jacob's face. He was ready to have his son. I, on the other hand, was terrified to give birth so I wasn't as resistant to leave.
After a long weekend of random contractions, long walks up and down the street, and uncomfortable everything, tuesday rolled along. Around 10:30 that night, Jacob came into our room and said, "Let's go for a walk up the hill." So we did. I was having contractions, but nothing regular. Around 3:30 in the morning, I barely remember having a few painful contractions, but I was so sleepy that I mostly slept through them. I love my sleep man. But at 6:30 when Jacob was leaving for work, they were pretty strong and about 5 minutes apart. Jacob decided to go to work, not knowing if it was another false alarm and told me to call him if anything progressed. Well it did. By the time it was 9:30, I knew the contractions were coming every 2-3 minutes apart and man...they were painful. I couldn't move, talk or even breathe when one was happening. I got up, and well...I drove to Burger King. I was hungry for breakfast! So there I was contracting painfully in the drive-thru. Looking back now, I know I was crazy. But a woman needs to eat. From there I went to my parents house. No one was home, except my brother who was sleeping. So I went to lay down on my parents bed. It didn't get better. So I hopped in the tub. Still nothing changed. If anything, the contractions were getting stronger. That's when Jacob's mom called me. It was all I could do to talk to her, and she knew right then that I needed to go in. So I drove my contracting pregnant self back home, and called Jacob. This was it! 20 minutes later he was home and I was ready. The drive there was bumpy and painful! When we got there, which was around 12-12:30, I had to sit in a chair and couldn't even check myself in! A nice man waiting for his child to be born was trying to have a conversation with me, but I could barely keep myself seated let alone talk to the man. Finally I was taken back, where they checked me. Dilated at a 4 and in active labor. I had labored at home by myself for about 6 hours. Which I am actually very proud of myself for! It was not easy. They told me I could get the epidural any time since I was dilated enough. Now listen, going into this I had read all about epidurals and natural birth. Based on what I read, and who I had talked to, I really wanted to go natural. Crazy I know. But by the time I was in my room and contracting up a freakin storm, I wanted to the juice. About 45 minutes later, they gave it to me! I was TERRIFIED to get it though. Almost more scared to get it, then to push out a kid! But once I got it, and it set in, man oh man was I one happy camper. I could actually relax and enjoy the experience. I could even still move my feet! Which I thought was pretty cool. By that time I was dilated at a 7. Moving along quickly! This being my first birth, the nurses and everyone else, including myself, thought this would take a while. Well, just two hours after receiving the epidural, I was at a 10 and ready to push. WHAT? But the nurse had us wait another hour just so he could drop as far as possible. An hour after that, it was time to meet our son. To be honest I wasn't really feeling any specific emotion. I just knew that I had a job to do. I needed to bring him into the world, and after about 15 minutes of pushing, he was here! It was a little bit scary because he had made a bowel movement in the womb (gross I know) and if he were to have cried and breathed that in, well it could have been bad. There were two teams of people waiting to make sure that didn't happen. The NICU, and a respiratory team. They sucked out his airways and everything seemed to be fine. Then he cried. I was so happy! Weirdly happy I should say. I didn't feel like a mom. But I knew that was my baby! I watched as Jacob stood over him, tears in my eyes. This was my little family. Such a crazy thing to experience. At 5:50 our 7lb 2.3oz and 20in long little man was born and our lives changed forever!
To be honest, based on how easy I had it, I would birth 100 kids! It's just everything that comes after that makes me more hesitant. Recovery is hard. I had lots of stitches. That's all I want to say about that. Loosing sleep was really hard for me at first, but I've gotten used to exhaustion. It really isn't so bad, except when I see things. Then I need a nap. The hardest thing that I have physically had to deal with is breastfeeding. I won't go into too much detail, but I sobbed a lot, banged my head on walls multiple times, got a couple infections, and well now I'm trying to dry out. Which I'm very sad about and the pain is like nothing I've felt before. Ugh boobs.
The hardest thing I've had to deal with emotionally falls into two different things. First, not having my mom here has been one of the saddest, most difficult things. As my life changes and grows, it has been hard not having her by my side. To coach me, encourage me, love me. I forget all the time that she has never met Jacob. They would have gotten along so well and I get pretty sad that I never got to see them joke around, cook and laugh together. Now that I have my son, not seeing her hold him, not having her here to ask for motherly advice, not having her here to comfort me and love me. Trust me, I know she is loving me and guiding me from where she is now. But the emptiness that her absence here leaves...its painful.
Second, the transition from becoming two to three. I love being a mom, I really do. I love Sade with all of my being. But I love Jacob so tremendously, that for months before Sade came, I made Jacob promise me that nothing between the two of us would change. That we would still love each other the way we did then. I was so scared, and quite frankly I was jealous that Jacob would have to love someone more than me. Listen, I know that it sounds selfish and childish to feel something like that. But I couldn't help it! I am just so terrified of change. Ask Jacob, every time something in my life changes, I cry. I don't do well with change. Honestly it was really hard for me at first. Now I did have all those crazy hormones and mood swings from just having a baby. But it felt like Jacob and I had no time together anymore. That's not true of course. I let my emotions get the best of me. The exhaustion, stress and anxiety didn't do me any good either. I couldn't imagine our lives without Sade though, and I wouldn't trade any of this for anything in the world.
I do have to say that I have the most amazing family. Both Jacob's side and my side. I have been so blessed. Even though I don't have my mom here, I have been blessed with the most amazing mother in law. Debbie has helped me in more ways than I think she will ever know! She has been there for me when I need to vent, when I have no idea what I'm doing, when I have questions. I'm just so glad that I have her in my life! My dad and sister have been a huge help to me too. My dad has had to hear so many things about my recovery and boobs, haha poor guy. But he listens and tries to help! I don't know where I would be with out my dad and sister. Love those two. My brother helps where he can, but to be honest, he's kind of nervous around Sade. He's never really dealt with a newborn. Jacob's sisters are awesome too! Helping with everything like baby pictures, doctors appointments and everything in between. And of course my lovely Jacob. I am sitting here trying to think of the words to describe how much I love and am grateful for my husband. He has helped me find my way again, he's helped me to love myself, to be better everyday, to stay positive. He's an amazing dad, and geez I literally could go on for hours, but I feel like you would get bored. So just know that I have the best guy around and that I love him too much for words.
Last but definitely not least, I love my Heavenly Father. He has been there for me through this entire experience, and without him I don't think I would have made it. There were times when I would get so low, and lost. Just like every other time in my life, He lifted me up and kept me going. I'm so grateful for His love for me.
Being a mom is definitely the hardest thing I've ever done, but I'm proud of myself. I've come a long way in my life. The fact that I can take care of myself, and keep a baby alive and happy, well that says a lot. Now I have my little family to live for and love. So that's what I'm going to do.
Here's to being an adult! (...or just a big kid with a baby, its whatever)
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