Like every other human that lives on the planet, this year has brought me ups and downs, sadness and happiness, trials and blessings, and everything in between. I've never been one to make resolutions, and I don't plan on making any with this new year. But each new year always brings reflection.
This year has brought many changes. Changes within myself, many of which would not have taken place had I not had my husband by my side. Drastic changes, like my baby being born. Becoming a mother is hands down the biggest adjustment that has ever happened in my life! I love every second, even though it isn't easy, I know that Sade is the best thing that could have ever happened to me. He came at such a fragile time in my life. I've been completely broken by a few of the trials I've endured, and I've never felt more glued together than when I'm holding my baby as he falls asleep, or when he smiles up at me when he wakes up from a nap. I can finally say that I am content. That is a big deal for me!
I cut off ALL of my hair. That is a huge deal people. It's all gone. Honestly, it's taught me a lot about myself. I was so wrapped up in my long hair, thinking that it made me feel better about myself. Then I took this big leap, not knowing how I would feel about myself or how others would see me. And I came to the realization that I DON'T CARE. I don't care what you think about me. I like myself enough not to care. This year has brought self confidence, even if its just a smidge. It's enough.
This year has brought trials, and a strengthening of my testimony and my faith. I can honestly say that I now have a very personal relationship with my Heavenly Father, and that has brought me so much love, peace and comfort throughout this entire year. Each day brings the unknown. I don't know whats going to happen, when it will happen, or why. But I have my faith to fall back on in any given situation, and that will always be something that I will hold tight to.
I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't know that I've ever known what I was doing, or where I was going. I know that I am a mother. I am a wife. A sister, a daughter. All of these roles are things that I've learned, or am currently learning to grow into. And I'm trying my best to continue to learn and grow and better myself when it comes to all of those things.
That's where patience comes in. I've learned more about patience this past year, than I have in my entire 22 years of existence. Patience with myself when I screw something up, patience with my husband and my cute little boy, patience with my family. Patience with my blessings. Everyday I'm blessed, with a new day, my health, the health of my baby, food, water, shelter. I could go on and on. And with every fiber of my being I am grateful beyond words for each of the blessings that I've already been given. But there are blessings that I have not received because I am not ready to handle them. Some that I am painfully aware of, and others that I have no idea are in store for me. Patience has played a key role and has become a blessing all on its own in these cases.
So yeah, each new year brings a lot of reflecting. On where I've been and how far I've come since the last year. It makes me wonder where I'll be next year, and the year after that! But I know that I need to do the things that I know are right for me and my family, so that I can be sure that where ever we'll be, we'll be together and we'll be happy.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Friday, November 22, 2013
A Broken Heart
With all this talk of motherhood and becoming a new mom myself, I can't help but think about my own mom. I feel like I talk about her quite a bit! But then again, I don't feel like I talk about her enough. To be honest, her passing is still pretty hard for me. So this post is going to be about her, both in life and in death.
Whenever I'd hear about someone who had lost a parent, my heart ached for them. I couldn't imagine the pain they were feeling, and to have such a great loss must have been such a devastating thing for them to feel. Trying to console someone who has lost someone so close to them is a difficult thing. You don't want to say or do the wrong thing. So when it actually happened to me, I didn't know how to feel, or what emotions would come next. I didn't know how to talk to the people who were trying their best to help.
Let me back it up a little and talk about before my mom passed.
My mom was an amazing person. Most people remember her for her generosity and kindness. She would literally give you all the food in her fridge, the clothes off her back, and anything else that you may stand in need of! I remember her that way too of course. But I also got to see sides of her that most people didn't know existed. She had such a quirky personality. She joked around and laughed a lot, but it was about weird stuff. You just had to get her humor. She danced and sang for our two dogs Patch and Ella, and I loved watching her do that. She loved the food network, and shows like NCIS and Charmed. Whenever she laughed, my brother, sister and I couldn't help but laugh too. She didn't have a hearty laugh very often, so whenever it happened it was so cute and funny. Most times she would just giggle and chuckle. That was cute too.
Our mom also had a lot of underlying issues. Health wise she was diagnosed with Lupus when Emily, my youngest sister, was about 5. Not long after, she was diagnosed with Crohn's disease. Both of which made her very sick, all the time. She was in and out of the hospital for the majority of our lives. But on top of that, she suffered severely form depression. My mom was raised in a Korean orphanage until she was about 9, where she was beaten and neglected. So obviously the issues that stuck with her from such a traumatic childhood would surface in some way or another as she got older. The problem was that she self medicated with alcohol.
Growing up with an alcoholic parent was hard. My brother, sister and I were told not to talk about it to other people. So we basically lived with a secret, and I felt like whenever I tried to talk to people about it, they thought I was lying. I still feel like that now actually. I feel like whoever reads this will think I'm lying about something that truly happened. I don't even know how to accurately describe what it was like. But it was hard. There were lots of fights, sleepless nights, packing and leaving, coming back to the same thing, dumping out vodka bottles, crying, hoping, wishing. My mom spent the entire month of June in rehab when I was 8, I remember that specifically because my birthday is June 14th, and I couldn't understand why she wasn't there. I remember coming home from elementary once, and finding her on the kitchen floor in a puddle of vomit. I saw lots of things that kids shouldn't have to. I begged my mom to choose me instead of alcohol, and watched time and time again as she chose alcohol over me. That was devastating. My brother, sister, myself and even my dad have a lot of characteristics that we developed from living with an alcoholic. No one will understand either, unless they've lived with one too. It's a difficult thing, it's a family disease.
I know that a lot of that is personal stuff. But I was so ashamed and used to not telling anyone anything all growing up, that now I feel a kind of freedom in being able to express how I feel now. It's a liberating feeling. I used to have so many negative feeling towards my mom and her alcoholism. But when she was sober I loved her so much! Looking back now, I see how difficult things were for her. I wish I could have helped more.
My mom's liver had been in bad shape for quite some time. With all the drinking she did, it wasn't much of a surprise. She had been hospitalized many times to have her stomach drained from all the liquid it was secreting. So in July 2011 when she needed to go to the hospital to have it drained again, we had all kind of expected it. My dad drove her to Davis Hospital where she stayed for a few days, being drained. But she started to get worse. Then she slipped into a kind of coma, from the high levels of toxicity in her body. They transferred her to the U of U hospital, and that's when we knew things were pretty serious. She stayed in the ICU for a couple of weeks there. But they were able to bring her out of her coma and things were really looking up! She was talking again, joking around, she was herself! So they decided to transfer her to South Davis Medical Center in Bountiful. There she did some physical therapy and we thought she would be able to come home soon. Honestly I think they pushed her too hard, I don't think her frail body was ready for physical therapy yet.
She was getting so exhausted. On a Tuesday, she was so tired, I could just see it in her face. I was the last one to visit her that day, and as I was leaving I told her to take a nap and rest. I still remember looking back at her and watching her fall asleep. The next day my dad, brother, sister and I went to visit her as we did everyday. When we got there, she was curled up in a ball (how she usually slept) but she had thrown up. So we asked the nurses to come in and help clean her up and change her sheets. They asked us to step out, so we did. One of the nurses came out and said, "She didn't wake up at all when we changed her sheets, we think she's in another coma and want to transfer her back to the U." When we went back in I saw her laying here and I started crying. I could see how different she looked. Her spirit wasn't with her anymore, and I could sense it. I don't think the rest of my family saw that yet, but I knew. While she was being transferred to the U, her condition worsened so quickly that they had her put on life support by the time we arrived at the hospital. It felt like years till they let us back to see her.
I remember it so vividly, they led us into this really cold room, and we saw her with tubes down her throat. They removed all her jewelry then, I haven't taken her necklace or ring off since. They told us to brace ourselves. After being there for what seemed like forever, we went home to get some sleep and we would come back the next morning. My dad and sister left before my brother and I. So I woke up to a call from my dad saying, "get down here fast, she's gone into cardiac arrest twice and its not looking good.'' I kid you not, from the time that my brother and I left our beds in our house in Kaysville, to the time we got off the 4th south exit in Salt Lake, 11 minutes had passed. I went 90 miles an hour (the fastest our mini van would go) the entire way. When we got there, we were allowed one by one to go back and see her. I remember walking in there, and I saw her, life support pumping through her lungs so viciously that her body would violently lift up and thrust down. Blood was literally everywhere. On the floor, the walls, coming out her ears and eyes, out her mouth. It was horrifying, and I will never be able to forget that.
When they gathered us together in a room with a social worker, they told us she had a 10% chance of living. I didn't take my sunglasses off the entire time, crying harder than I ever have before. I didn't want people to watch me. I didn't want to have to make this decision. We decided as a family to take her off of life support, knowing full well that she would die. Hands down, the hardest and saddest moment of my life. But seeing her in that room...we knew she needed to be at rest.
The nurses told us to wait for a few minutes while they removed all the cords and tubes, and cleaned her up. Then we were allowed in. I stood next to her, no more tears to cry. There was blood puddling at the foot of her bed, as it was still coming out of her bum (for lack of a better word). Her eyes couldn't close, because her actual eyeballs had filled with blood. We stood around her, holding her hands, stroking her hair. About 30 seconds later, she took her last labored breath. In that moment, none of us cried. The shock and trauma started to set in. The way she died was so horrific and terrifying. It's still a fresh memory, and I don't know that I will ever be able to get those images out of my mind.
We started to leave the hospital, when we decided that we would drive up to where my parents were married. They were married in a cute little place next to LDS hospital and the Capitol. We took a few pictures, dazed and quiet. That's when I don't really remember anything. I remember that night, my brother and I slept on my sisters floor. We slept there for a few weeks. But honestly I don't remember most of the year after my mom dying. The trauma kinda shut down my brain for a long while.
I have started to heal, slowly but surely. It has been the most difficult trial. I have truly never felt a broken heart until the day she passed away. I miss my mom every second. There literally isn't time that goes by that I don't think about her. I hurt when I think about her, but I honestly am so happy she isn't sick anymore. I'm happy that she doesn't have the burden of this mortal life to carry. She's free! I just wish she were here. I long for her. Sometimes I still forget she isn't here, and I get Sade and myself ready for the day and think, "we'll go see my mom today!" and then I remember all over. I am taking it day by day, even though it's been two years. I'm just glad I'm not still taking it second by second, or minute by minute. At least there's progress.
I'm so blessed to know that I am sealed to my mom. What a comfort it is to know that I WILL see her again, that she's waiting for me. I'm so thankful for that. So until then, I'll do the best I can here! Be the best mom I can for my baby and continue onward in my faith:)
Whenever I'd hear about someone who had lost a parent, my heart ached for them. I couldn't imagine the pain they were feeling, and to have such a great loss must have been such a devastating thing for them to feel. Trying to console someone who has lost someone so close to them is a difficult thing. You don't want to say or do the wrong thing. So when it actually happened to me, I didn't know how to feel, or what emotions would come next. I didn't know how to talk to the people who were trying their best to help.
Let me back it up a little and talk about before my mom passed.
My mom was an amazing person. Most people remember her for her generosity and kindness. She would literally give you all the food in her fridge, the clothes off her back, and anything else that you may stand in need of! I remember her that way too of course. But I also got to see sides of her that most people didn't know existed. She had such a quirky personality. She joked around and laughed a lot, but it was about weird stuff. You just had to get her humor. She danced and sang for our two dogs Patch and Ella, and I loved watching her do that. She loved the food network, and shows like NCIS and Charmed. Whenever she laughed, my brother, sister and I couldn't help but laugh too. She didn't have a hearty laugh very often, so whenever it happened it was so cute and funny. Most times she would just giggle and chuckle. That was cute too.
Our mom also had a lot of underlying issues. Health wise she was diagnosed with Lupus when Emily, my youngest sister, was about 5. Not long after, she was diagnosed with Crohn's disease. Both of which made her very sick, all the time. She was in and out of the hospital for the majority of our lives. But on top of that, she suffered severely form depression. My mom was raised in a Korean orphanage until she was about 9, where she was beaten and neglected. So obviously the issues that stuck with her from such a traumatic childhood would surface in some way or another as she got older. The problem was that she self medicated with alcohol.
Growing up with an alcoholic parent was hard. My brother, sister and I were told not to talk about it to other people. So we basically lived with a secret, and I felt like whenever I tried to talk to people about it, they thought I was lying. I still feel like that now actually. I feel like whoever reads this will think I'm lying about something that truly happened. I don't even know how to accurately describe what it was like. But it was hard. There were lots of fights, sleepless nights, packing and leaving, coming back to the same thing, dumping out vodka bottles, crying, hoping, wishing. My mom spent the entire month of June in rehab when I was 8, I remember that specifically because my birthday is June 14th, and I couldn't understand why she wasn't there. I remember coming home from elementary once, and finding her on the kitchen floor in a puddle of vomit. I saw lots of things that kids shouldn't have to. I begged my mom to choose me instead of alcohol, and watched time and time again as she chose alcohol over me. That was devastating. My brother, sister, myself and even my dad have a lot of characteristics that we developed from living with an alcoholic. No one will understand either, unless they've lived with one too. It's a difficult thing, it's a family disease.
I know that a lot of that is personal stuff. But I was so ashamed and used to not telling anyone anything all growing up, that now I feel a kind of freedom in being able to express how I feel now. It's a liberating feeling. I used to have so many negative feeling towards my mom and her alcoholism. But when she was sober I loved her so much! Looking back now, I see how difficult things were for her. I wish I could have helped more.
My mom's liver had been in bad shape for quite some time. With all the drinking she did, it wasn't much of a surprise. She had been hospitalized many times to have her stomach drained from all the liquid it was secreting. So in July 2011 when she needed to go to the hospital to have it drained again, we had all kind of expected it. My dad drove her to Davis Hospital where she stayed for a few days, being drained. But she started to get worse. Then she slipped into a kind of coma, from the high levels of toxicity in her body. They transferred her to the U of U hospital, and that's when we knew things were pretty serious. She stayed in the ICU for a couple of weeks there. But they were able to bring her out of her coma and things were really looking up! She was talking again, joking around, she was herself! So they decided to transfer her to South Davis Medical Center in Bountiful. There she did some physical therapy and we thought she would be able to come home soon. Honestly I think they pushed her too hard, I don't think her frail body was ready for physical therapy yet.
She was getting so exhausted. On a Tuesday, she was so tired, I could just see it in her face. I was the last one to visit her that day, and as I was leaving I told her to take a nap and rest. I still remember looking back at her and watching her fall asleep. The next day my dad, brother, sister and I went to visit her as we did everyday. When we got there, she was curled up in a ball (how she usually slept) but she had thrown up. So we asked the nurses to come in and help clean her up and change her sheets. They asked us to step out, so we did. One of the nurses came out and said, "She didn't wake up at all when we changed her sheets, we think she's in another coma and want to transfer her back to the U." When we went back in I saw her laying here and I started crying. I could see how different she looked. Her spirit wasn't with her anymore, and I could sense it. I don't think the rest of my family saw that yet, but I knew. While she was being transferred to the U, her condition worsened so quickly that they had her put on life support by the time we arrived at the hospital. It felt like years till they let us back to see her.
I remember it so vividly, they led us into this really cold room, and we saw her with tubes down her throat. They removed all her jewelry then, I haven't taken her necklace or ring off since. They told us to brace ourselves. After being there for what seemed like forever, we went home to get some sleep and we would come back the next morning. My dad and sister left before my brother and I. So I woke up to a call from my dad saying, "get down here fast, she's gone into cardiac arrest twice and its not looking good.'' I kid you not, from the time that my brother and I left our beds in our house in Kaysville, to the time we got off the 4th south exit in Salt Lake, 11 minutes had passed. I went 90 miles an hour (the fastest our mini van would go) the entire way. When we got there, we were allowed one by one to go back and see her. I remember walking in there, and I saw her, life support pumping through her lungs so viciously that her body would violently lift up and thrust down. Blood was literally everywhere. On the floor, the walls, coming out her ears and eyes, out her mouth. It was horrifying, and I will never be able to forget that.
When they gathered us together in a room with a social worker, they told us she had a 10% chance of living. I didn't take my sunglasses off the entire time, crying harder than I ever have before. I didn't want people to watch me. I didn't want to have to make this decision. We decided as a family to take her off of life support, knowing full well that she would die. Hands down, the hardest and saddest moment of my life. But seeing her in that room...we knew she needed to be at rest.
The nurses told us to wait for a few minutes while they removed all the cords and tubes, and cleaned her up. Then we were allowed in. I stood next to her, no more tears to cry. There was blood puddling at the foot of her bed, as it was still coming out of her bum (for lack of a better word). Her eyes couldn't close, because her actual eyeballs had filled with blood. We stood around her, holding her hands, stroking her hair. About 30 seconds later, she took her last labored breath. In that moment, none of us cried. The shock and trauma started to set in. The way she died was so horrific and terrifying. It's still a fresh memory, and I don't know that I will ever be able to get those images out of my mind.
We started to leave the hospital, when we decided that we would drive up to where my parents were married. They were married in a cute little place next to LDS hospital and the Capitol. We took a few pictures, dazed and quiet. That's when I don't really remember anything. I remember that night, my brother and I slept on my sisters floor. We slept there for a few weeks. But honestly I don't remember most of the year after my mom dying. The trauma kinda shut down my brain for a long while.
I have started to heal, slowly but surely. It has been the most difficult trial. I have truly never felt a broken heart until the day she passed away. I miss my mom every second. There literally isn't time that goes by that I don't think about her. I hurt when I think about her, but I honestly am so happy she isn't sick anymore. I'm happy that she doesn't have the burden of this mortal life to carry. She's free! I just wish she were here. I long for her. Sometimes I still forget she isn't here, and I get Sade and myself ready for the day and think, "we'll go see my mom today!" and then I remember all over. I am taking it day by day, even though it's been two years. I'm just glad I'm not still taking it second by second, or minute by minute. At least there's progress.
I'm so blessed to know that I am sealed to my mom. What a comfort it is to know that I WILL see her again, that she's waiting for me. I'm so thankful for that. So until then, I'll do the best I can here! Be the best mom I can for my baby and continue onward in my faith:)
Monday, November 18, 2013
What It All Means
I am definitely no expert when it comes to motherhood. Seeing as how I have only been a mom for two months. That's not a lot of time! But in these past two months, I have learned so much, and grown so much as a person. I've learned how to take care of another human being completely! That's a pretty big deal, at least I think so. The literal definition of a mother is a women in relation to a child or children to whom she has given birth. I don't know about you, but I think a mother means soooo much more than that!
To me, a mother means lots of things.
Being a mother means cold food. By the time you've fed the baby, burped the baby, changed the baby, soothed the baby...etc. your food has gone cold. A small sacrifice! But hey, I'm lucky I even get to eat! I have lots of awesome people who are willing to hold my little man so that I can. If I didn't have them, I probably wouldn't even have cold food. Haha
Being a mother means dirty clothes. Between all the spit up, drool, pee, poop and any other bodily function you can think of...your clothes are bound to be dirty. Who has time for laundry anyway? Another small sacrifice. Besides, I feel like its pretty cool! The mark of motherhood, blotches of spit up. Why accessorize when I have that, right?
Being a mother means baby talk and weird faces. When you interact with a baby, there is no way you are talking to it normal. I hear ALL KINDS of baby talk, and I think its hilarious. But I am literally doing it 24/7. I find myself doing lots of weird things when it comes to interacting with my baby! And I'm not alone. Just last night I caught Jacob leaning over the bassinet singing a song off of the Lizzie Mcguire movie to Sade. If that's not awesome, I don't know what is.
Being a mother means sleepless nights. Obviously we sleep, but its broken sleep. Waking up every few hours was really, REALLY hard for the both of us at first. Neither Jacob or myself are very pleasant when we are tired. But we have slowly gotten into the groove of it all and I gotta say, we're doing a pretty good job. Seeing as how we both love sleep. We just love Sade more:)
Being a mother means sacrifice. From the very beginning a woman sacrifices her entire body for her baby. Bringing a baby into the world means that you give up the life you knew, and make the changes necessary for your child! Some are easier than others, but all are worth it. Yeah you're going to eat cold (if any) food, you're going to take fast (if any) showers, you're going to get small spurts of sleep. You'll have dirty clothes, dishes and bedrooms. But you're going to have a happy, healthy baby. Shouldn't that be the only thing that matters? Sacrifice is worth it.
Being a mother means plenty of different things. It means taking on all kinds of different roles in order to give the best life possible to your kids. Sacrificing your own comforts and wants for the needs of your children. I think its awesome! I will admit, I was pretty selfish before I had Sade. Now, I put everything he needs before anything I need. Even if it means crying tears from having to pee soooo bad! He's gotta eat so I gotta wait. Simple as that.
Being a mother is love. More love than I could have ever thought I had in me. I've grown to love my husband more, as we experience this together. I love Sade with every fiber of my being, and knowing he loves me too makes my heart pretty much explode. With every smile and coo, my heart melts! And honestly what's better than that? I'll answer that for you, NOTHING.
Motherhood is great. I haven't been a mom long, but I'm a mom for eternity now. I have more sacrifices to make, more lessons to learn, more diapers to change, more bottles to make. I'm taking it one precious step at a time, trying to savor each moment I have with my son. It's the hardest thing I've ever done, but one thing I know for sure is that it's the best thing that could have ever happened to me.
To motherhood!
To me, a mother means lots of things.
Being a mother means cold food. By the time you've fed the baby, burped the baby, changed the baby, soothed the baby...etc. your food has gone cold. A small sacrifice! But hey, I'm lucky I even get to eat! I have lots of awesome people who are willing to hold my little man so that I can. If I didn't have them, I probably wouldn't even have cold food. Haha
Being a mother means dirty clothes. Between all the spit up, drool, pee, poop and any other bodily function you can think of...your clothes are bound to be dirty. Who has time for laundry anyway? Another small sacrifice. Besides, I feel like its pretty cool! The mark of motherhood, blotches of spit up. Why accessorize when I have that, right?
Being a mother means baby talk and weird faces. When you interact with a baby, there is no way you are talking to it normal. I hear ALL KINDS of baby talk, and I think its hilarious. But I am literally doing it 24/7. I find myself doing lots of weird things when it comes to interacting with my baby! And I'm not alone. Just last night I caught Jacob leaning over the bassinet singing a song off of the Lizzie Mcguire movie to Sade. If that's not awesome, I don't know what is.
Being a mother means sleepless nights. Obviously we sleep, but its broken sleep. Waking up every few hours was really, REALLY hard for the both of us at first. Neither Jacob or myself are very pleasant when we are tired. But we have slowly gotten into the groove of it all and I gotta say, we're doing a pretty good job. Seeing as how we both love sleep. We just love Sade more:)
Being a mother means sacrifice. From the very beginning a woman sacrifices her entire body for her baby. Bringing a baby into the world means that you give up the life you knew, and make the changes necessary for your child! Some are easier than others, but all are worth it. Yeah you're going to eat cold (if any) food, you're going to take fast (if any) showers, you're going to get small spurts of sleep. You'll have dirty clothes, dishes and bedrooms. But you're going to have a happy, healthy baby. Shouldn't that be the only thing that matters? Sacrifice is worth it.
Being a mother means plenty of different things. It means taking on all kinds of different roles in order to give the best life possible to your kids. Sacrificing your own comforts and wants for the needs of your children. I think its awesome! I will admit, I was pretty selfish before I had Sade. Now, I put everything he needs before anything I need. Even if it means crying tears from having to pee soooo bad! He's gotta eat so I gotta wait. Simple as that.
Being a mother is love. More love than I could have ever thought I had in me. I've grown to love my husband more, as we experience this together. I love Sade with every fiber of my being, and knowing he loves me too makes my heart pretty much explode. With every smile and coo, my heart melts! And honestly what's better than that? I'll answer that for you, NOTHING.
Motherhood is great. I haven't been a mom long, but I'm a mom for eternity now. I have more sacrifices to make, more lessons to learn, more diapers to change, more bottles to make. I'm taking it one precious step at a time, trying to savor each moment I have with my son. It's the hardest thing I've ever done, but one thing I know for sure is that it's the best thing that could have ever happened to me.
To motherhood!
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
The Beginning Of It All...
Fair warning, this post may be a bit lengthy. Bare with me people.
Let me just say, I vowed that I would never start a blog. Who wanted to read another blog about another day in the life of someone else? But I created this blog as more of a way for me to remember things, and to vent about the new happenings and transitions of becoming a mommy.
Let me start with the beginning. Finding out we were expecting! Jacob and I were just leaving my parents house, and on the way home I asked, "Let's go get a pregnancy test. Just to see!" I had no inclination of anything to come. I just felt like taking a pregnancy test. Call me weird, cause I know I am but I find taking pregnancy tests fun...anyway, Jacob kind of freaked out a little bit. But he stopped at the store anyway, and we went to our apartment. I took the test and when I looked there was only one line, as I had assumed it would. I wasn't pregnant. I walked out of the bathroom where Jacob was sitting on our bed reading and re-reading the instructions from the pregnancy test. "It takes 3 minutes" he told me. But I already knew there was only one line. I went to show it to him, and I saw it. A faint second line. Shock and happiness spread through me like wildfire! To keep it short, we both freaked out.
Nine very long months later, I was ready to have this baby out. I'm telling you, I don't know what it is about pregnant women and keeping secrets, but they don't tell you what it's really like. It's probably the least fun thing I've ever done. BUT it redeems itself with a cute little baby. So I guess that's cool! Anyway, the friday before Sade was born I started having contractions around the time Jacob got up for work. Which was about 6:30. He decided to stay home and we timed each contraction, they were coming about every 2-6 minutes apart, but they weren't very painful. So I took a hot shower thinking it would help. But they continued. So in a nutshell, we went to the hospital, they had me walk around for an hour, the contractions got more painful, but I hadn't dilated past a 2. So they sent us home. You should have seen the look of disappointment on Jacob's face. He was ready to have his son. I, on the other hand, was terrified to give birth so I wasn't as resistant to leave.
After a long weekend of random contractions, long walks up and down the street, and uncomfortable everything, tuesday rolled along. Around 10:30 that night, Jacob came into our room and said, "Let's go for a walk up the hill." So we did. I was having contractions, but nothing regular. Around 3:30 in the morning, I barely remember having a few painful contractions, but I was so sleepy that I mostly slept through them. I love my sleep man. But at 6:30 when Jacob was leaving for work, they were pretty strong and about 5 minutes apart. Jacob decided to go to work, not knowing if it was another false alarm and told me to call him if anything progressed. Well it did. By the time it was 9:30, I knew the contractions were coming every 2-3 minutes apart and man...they were painful. I couldn't move, talk or even breathe when one was happening. I got up, and well...I drove to Burger King. I was hungry for breakfast! So there I was contracting painfully in the drive-thru. Looking back now, I know I was crazy. But a woman needs to eat. From there I went to my parents house. No one was home, except my brother who was sleeping. So I went to lay down on my parents bed. It didn't get better. So I hopped in the tub. Still nothing changed. If anything, the contractions were getting stronger. That's when Jacob's mom called me. It was all I could do to talk to her, and she knew right then that I needed to go in. So I drove my contracting pregnant self back home, and called Jacob. This was it! 20 minutes later he was home and I was ready. The drive there was bumpy and painful! When we got there, which was around 12-12:30, I had to sit in a chair and couldn't even check myself in! A nice man waiting for his child to be born was trying to have a conversation with me, but I could barely keep myself seated let alone talk to the man. Finally I was taken back, where they checked me. Dilated at a 4 and in active labor. I had labored at home by myself for about 6 hours. Which I am actually very proud of myself for! It was not easy. They told me I could get the epidural any time since I was dilated enough. Now listen, going into this I had read all about epidurals and natural birth. Based on what I read, and who I had talked to, I really wanted to go natural. Crazy I know. But by the time I was in my room and contracting up a freakin storm, I wanted to the juice. About 45 minutes later, they gave it to me! I was TERRIFIED to get it though. Almost more scared to get it, then to push out a kid! But once I got it, and it set in, man oh man was I one happy camper. I could actually relax and enjoy the experience. I could even still move my feet! Which I thought was pretty cool. By that time I was dilated at a 7. Moving along quickly! This being my first birth, the nurses and everyone else, including myself, thought this would take a while. Well, just two hours after receiving the epidural, I was at a 10 and ready to push. WHAT? But the nurse had us wait another hour just so he could drop as far as possible. An hour after that, it was time to meet our son. To be honest I wasn't really feeling any specific emotion. I just knew that I had a job to do. I needed to bring him into the world, and after about 15 minutes of pushing, he was here! It was a little bit scary because he had made a bowel movement in the womb (gross I know) and if he were to have cried and breathed that in, well it could have been bad. There were two teams of people waiting to make sure that didn't happen. The NICU, and a respiratory team. They sucked out his airways and everything seemed to be fine. Then he cried. I was so happy! Weirdly happy I should say. I didn't feel like a mom. But I knew that was my baby! I watched as Jacob stood over him, tears in my eyes. This was my little family. Such a crazy thing to experience. At 5:50 our 7lb 2.3oz and 20in long little man was born and our lives changed forever!
To be honest, based on how easy I had it, I would birth 100 kids! It's just everything that comes after that makes me more hesitant. Recovery is hard. I had lots of stitches. That's all I want to say about that. Loosing sleep was really hard for me at first, but I've gotten used to exhaustion. It really isn't so bad, except when I see things. Then I need a nap. The hardest thing that I have physically had to deal with is breastfeeding. I won't go into too much detail, but I sobbed a lot, banged my head on walls multiple times, got a couple infections, and well now I'm trying to dry out. Which I'm very sad about and the pain is like nothing I've felt before. Ugh boobs.
The hardest thing I've had to deal with emotionally falls into two different things. First, not having my mom here has been one of the saddest, most difficult things. As my life changes and grows, it has been hard not having her by my side. To coach me, encourage me, love me. I forget all the time that she has never met Jacob. They would have gotten along so well and I get pretty sad that I never got to see them joke around, cook and laugh together. Now that I have my son, not seeing her hold him, not having her here to ask for motherly advice, not having her here to comfort me and love me. Trust me, I know she is loving me and guiding me from where she is now. But the emptiness that her absence here leaves...its painful.
Second, the transition from becoming two to three. I love being a mom, I really do. I love Sade with all of my being. But I love Jacob so tremendously, that for months before Sade came, I made Jacob promise me that nothing between the two of us would change. That we would still love each other the way we did then. I was so scared, and quite frankly I was jealous that Jacob would have to love someone more than me. Listen, I know that it sounds selfish and childish to feel something like that. But I couldn't help it! I am just so terrified of change. Ask Jacob, every time something in my life changes, I cry. I don't do well with change. Honestly it was really hard for me at first. Now I did have all those crazy hormones and mood swings from just having a baby. But it felt like Jacob and I had no time together anymore. That's not true of course. I let my emotions get the best of me. The exhaustion, stress and anxiety didn't do me any good either. I couldn't imagine our lives without Sade though, and I wouldn't trade any of this for anything in the world.
I do have to say that I have the most amazing family. Both Jacob's side and my side. I have been so blessed. Even though I don't have my mom here, I have been blessed with the most amazing mother in law. Debbie has helped me in more ways than I think she will ever know! She has been there for me when I need to vent, when I have no idea what I'm doing, when I have questions. I'm just so glad that I have her in my life! My dad and sister have been a huge help to me too. My dad has had to hear so many things about my recovery and boobs, haha poor guy. But he listens and tries to help! I don't know where I would be with out my dad and sister. Love those two. My brother helps where he can, but to be honest, he's kind of nervous around Sade. He's never really dealt with a newborn. Jacob's sisters are awesome too! Helping with everything like baby pictures, doctors appointments and everything in between. And of course my lovely Jacob. I am sitting here trying to think of the words to describe how much I love and am grateful for my husband. He has helped me find my way again, he's helped me to love myself, to be better everyday, to stay positive. He's an amazing dad, and geez I literally could go on for hours, but I feel like you would get bored. So just know that I have the best guy around and that I love him too much for words.
Last but definitely not least, I love my Heavenly Father. He has been there for me through this entire experience, and without him I don't think I would have made it. There were times when I would get so low, and lost. Just like every other time in my life, He lifted me up and kept me going. I'm so grateful for His love for me.
Being a mom is definitely the hardest thing I've ever done, but I'm proud of myself. I've come a long way in my life. The fact that I can take care of myself, and keep a baby alive and happy, well that says a lot. Now I have my little family to live for and love. So that's what I'm going to do.
Here's to being an adult! (...or just a big kid with a baby, its whatever)
Let me just say, I vowed that I would never start a blog. Who wanted to read another blog about another day in the life of someone else? But I created this blog as more of a way for me to remember things, and to vent about the new happenings and transitions of becoming a mommy.
Let me start with the beginning. Finding out we were expecting! Jacob and I were just leaving my parents house, and on the way home I asked, "Let's go get a pregnancy test. Just to see!" I had no inclination of anything to come. I just felt like taking a pregnancy test. Call me weird, cause I know I am but I find taking pregnancy tests fun...anyway, Jacob kind of freaked out a little bit. But he stopped at the store anyway, and we went to our apartment. I took the test and when I looked there was only one line, as I had assumed it would. I wasn't pregnant. I walked out of the bathroom where Jacob was sitting on our bed reading and re-reading the instructions from the pregnancy test. "It takes 3 minutes" he told me. But I already knew there was only one line. I went to show it to him, and I saw it. A faint second line. Shock and happiness spread through me like wildfire! To keep it short, we both freaked out.
Nine very long months later, I was ready to have this baby out. I'm telling you, I don't know what it is about pregnant women and keeping secrets, but they don't tell you what it's really like. It's probably the least fun thing I've ever done. BUT it redeems itself with a cute little baby. So I guess that's cool! Anyway, the friday before Sade was born I started having contractions around the time Jacob got up for work. Which was about 6:30. He decided to stay home and we timed each contraction, they were coming about every 2-6 minutes apart, but they weren't very painful. So I took a hot shower thinking it would help. But they continued. So in a nutshell, we went to the hospital, they had me walk around for an hour, the contractions got more painful, but I hadn't dilated past a 2. So they sent us home. You should have seen the look of disappointment on Jacob's face. He was ready to have his son. I, on the other hand, was terrified to give birth so I wasn't as resistant to leave.
After a long weekend of random contractions, long walks up and down the street, and uncomfortable everything, tuesday rolled along. Around 10:30 that night, Jacob came into our room and said, "Let's go for a walk up the hill." So we did. I was having contractions, but nothing regular. Around 3:30 in the morning, I barely remember having a few painful contractions, but I was so sleepy that I mostly slept through them. I love my sleep man. But at 6:30 when Jacob was leaving for work, they were pretty strong and about 5 minutes apart. Jacob decided to go to work, not knowing if it was another false alarm and told me to call him if anything progressed. Well it did. By the time it was 9:30, I knew the contractions were coming every 2-3 minutes apart and man...they were painful. I couldn't move, talk or even breathe when one was happening. I got up, and well...I drove to Burger King. I was hungry for breakfast! So there I was contracting painfully in the drive-thru. Looking back now, I know I was crazy. But a woman needs to eat. From there I went to my parents house. No one was home, except my brother who was sleeping. So I went to lay down on my parents bed. It didn't get better. So I hopped in the tub. Still nothing changed. If anything, the contractions were getting stronger. That's when Jacob's mom called me. It was all I could do to talk to her, and she knew right then that I needed to go in. So I drove my contracting pregnant self back home, and called Jacob. This was it! 20 minutes later he was home and I was ready. The drive there was bumpy and painful! When we got there, which was around 12-12:30, I had to sit in a chair and couldn't even check myself in! A nice man waiting for his child to be born was trying to have a conversation with me, but I could barely keep myself seated let alone talk to the man. Finally I was taken back, where they checked me. Dilated at a 4 and in active labor. I had labored at home by myself for about 6 hours. Which I am actually very proud of myself for! It was not easy. They told me I could get the epidural any time since I was dilated enough. Now listen, going into this I had read all about epidurals and natural birth. Based on what I read, and who I had talked to, I really wanted to go natural. Crazy I know. But by the time I was in my room and contracting up a freakin storm, I wanted to the juice. About 45 minutes later, they gave it to me! I was TERRIFIED to get it though. Almost more scared to get it, then to push out a kid! But once I got it, and it set in, man oh man was I one happy camper. I could actually relax and enjoy the experience. I could even still move my feet! Which I thought was pretty cool. By that time I was dilated at a 7. Moving along quickly! This being my first birth, the nurses and everyone else, including myself, thought this would take a while. Well, just two hours after receiving the epidural, I was at a 10 and ready to push. WHAT? But the nurse had us wait another hour just so he could drop as far as possible. An hour after that, it was time to meet our son. To be honest I wasn't really feeling any specific emotion. I just knew that I had a job to do. I needed to bring him into the world, and after about 15 minutes of pushing, he was here! It was a little bit scary because he had made a bowel movement in the womb (gross I know) and if he were to have cried and breathed that in, well it could have been bad. There were two teams of people waiting to make sure that didn't happen. The NICU, and a respiratory team. They sucked out his airways and everything seemed to be fine. Then he cried. I was so happy! Weirdly happy I should say. I didn't feel like a mom. But I knew that was my baby! I watched as Jacob stood over him, tears in my eyes. This was my little family. Such a crazy thing to experience. At 5:50 our 7lb 2.3oz and 20in long little man was born and our lives changed forever!
To be honest, based on how easy I had it, I would birth 100 kids! It's just everything that comes after that makes me more hesitant. Recovery is hard. I had lots of stitches. That's all I want to say about that. Loosing sleep was really hard for me at first, but I've gotten used to exhaustion. It really isn't so bad, except when I see things. Then I need a nap. The hardest thing that I have physically had to deal with is breastfeeding. I won't go into too much detail, but I sobbed a lot, banged my head on walls multiple times, got a couple infections, and well now I'm trying to dry out. Which I'm very sad about and the pain is like nothing I've felt before. Ugh boobs.
The hardest thing I've had to deal with emotionally falls into two different things. First, not having my mom here has been one of the saddest, most difficult things. As my life changes and grows, it has been hard not having her by my side. To coach me, encourage me, love me. I forget all the time that she has never met Jacob. They would have gotten along so well and I get pretty sad that I never got to see them joke around, cook and laugh together. Now that I have my son, not seeing her hold him, not having her here to ask for motherly advice, not having her here to comfort me and love me. Trust me, I know she is loving me and guiding me from where she is now. But the emptiness that her absence here leaves...its painful.
Second, the transition from becoming two to three. I love being a mom, I really do. I love Sade with all of my being. But I love Jacob so tremendously, that for months before Sade came, I made Jacob promise me that nothing between the two of us would change. That we would still love each other the way we did then. I was so scared, and quite frankly I was jealous that Jacob would have to love someone more than me. Listen, I know that it sounds selfish and childish to feel something like that. But I couldn't help it! I am just so terrified of change. Ask Jacob, every time something in my life changes, I cry. I don't do well with change. Honestly it was really hard for me at first. Now I did have all those crazy hormones and mood swings from just having a baby. But it felt like Jacob and I had no time together anymore. That's not true of course. I let my emotions get the best of me. The exhaustion, stress and anxiety didn't do me any good either. I couldn't imagine our lives without Sade though, and I wouldn't trade any of this for anything in the world.
I do have to say that I have the most amazing family. Both Jacob's side and my side. I have been so blessed. Even though I don't have my mom here, I have been blessed with the most amazing mother in law. Debbie has helped me in more ways than I think she will ever know! She has been there for me when I need to vent, when I have no idea what I'm doing, when I have questions. I'm just so glad that I have her in my life! My dad and sister have been a huge help to me too. My dad has had to hear so many things about my recovery and boobs, haha poor guy. But he listens and tries to help! I don't know where I would be with out my dad and sister. Love those two. My brother helps where he can, but to be honest, he's kind of nervous around Sade. He's never really dealt with a newborn. Jacob's sisters are awesome too! Helping with everything like baby pictures, doctors appointments and everything in between. And of course my lovely Jacob. I am sitting here trying to think of the words to describe how much I love and am grateful for my husband. He has helped me find my way again, he's helped me to love myself, to be better everyday, to stay positive. He's an amazing dad, and geez I literally could go on for hours, but I feel like you would get bored. So just know that I have the best guy around and that I love him too much for words.
Last but definitely not least, I love my Heavenly Father. He has been there for me through this entire experience, and without him I don't think I would have made it. There were times when I would get so low, and lost. Just like every other time in my life, He lifted me up and kept me going. I'm so grateful for His love for me.
Being a mom is definitely the hardest thing I've ever done, but I'm proud of myself. I've come a long way in my life. The fact that I can take care of myself, and keep a baby alive and happy, well that says a lot. Now I have my little family to live for and love. So that's what I'm going to do.
Here's to being an adult! (...or just a big kid with a baby, its whatever)
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